Securely Unsecure.

There have been few times in my life I didn't feel secure...safe...assure of what lied ahead.  Maybe after graduating nursing school: having my first job and not so cheap apartment near Downtown Dallas.  I remember being a bit unsure of how I was going to pay for it if I didn't pass my nursing boards and couldn't work as a RN.  I didn't sleep the night before my boards...so nervous.  But I passed.  On the first try.  Phew...worry free again!

Until now.  The past several days have been nuts.  Our house has sold and I am slowly packing a few things but mostly selling all of our stuff.  It is hitting me.  As the couch goes...the table...armoire...knickknacks.  Sometimes I feel like I am selling our life...our memories.  Maybe a bit dramatic, which is surprising since I am not usually one for drama, but this process feels important somehow.  Everytime I let someone else drive off with another "thing" that I REALLY like I remind myself that I am not losing something but gaining. 

Freedom. 

Freedom from stuff and the things that so easily entangle me and lure me to my life here when I know God is inviting me to something else.  Something eternal.  But it's hard.  For sure. 

I like my stuff...I really do.  We don't have tons of stuff...and not even really expensive stuff.  But it is stuff we really have enjoyed.  I've tried to create a home that has just enough to meet our needs and some of our wants.  Someplace comfortable.  It has been our physical place of rest and peace.  This process of selling our stuff is forcing me to come to terms with God being my only source of rest and peace...I want that but it is much easier to want it than to actually go through the process of obtaining it. 

I feel sad and happy and excited and nervous.  I feel securely unsecure.  I'm married with 3 small boys...but within the month my husband will be leaving his full-time job, our house will be sold, our stuff will be sold and we will be moving in with my parents while we complete our training school and wait for God to reveal the next steps in our journey. 

That is unsecure...to me, anyways. But somehow, when I really evaluate everything, I still feel strangely secure.  I don't feel like we are screwing up our lives or our kids lives because we are currently dumping the American dream.  I know that God is secure...His arms are strong...our foundation firm.  I feel secure in my insecurity. 

On paper, our immediate future looks ridiculous...like we are intentionally jumping off a cliff when we could be sitting comfortably enjoying the view.  It may be crazy but I feel secure that God is going to come through.  Somehow.  I don't know if it will be a parachute or a soft place to land...probably something I couldn't even dream up.  He works that way.  His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are better than our ways.  I'm learning to trust him.

So.  Securely Unsecure.  I guess I'm okay with that.